My Self-Esteem Is Stretchier Than That

This morning, as I was driving to work, I heard the following words on my radio:

"Stretch marks are humiliating."

Yes, humiliating. The lovely voice informing me of this went on to tell me that stretch marks can even damage my self-esteem. Wow...if only I'd known this sooner, I would've been properly humiliated and ashamed. I now come before all of you, ready to admit my horrible offenses.

I've got stretch marks. There, I said it. And admitting is the first step, right? And I suppose this miracle cream advertised is the "Higher Power" to which I should submit. I take full responsibility for all my weaknesses. I filled out quickly as an adolescent, so there are some stretch marks on the sides of my breasts. And when I was pregnant with my son, I didn't properly control my belly's speedy expansion, so I have some there as well. And on my inner thighs, though I don't recall exactly how they happened - I suspect it has something to do with my inability to maintain my high school weight all the way through my 20's.

As long as I'm purging my soul, I suppose I shouldn't stop there. I have scars as well. At 14, I got my face to close to that of an angry, pregnant beagle. I had the appropriate surgeries, but I'm afraid there is still an imperfection on my lower lip. And, my son was born via c-section (I'll save my atonement for being unable to have him 'naturally' for another time), so there's a scar going perpendicularly through my belly stretch marks - my belly's just a tapestry of humiliation!

Oh, and as long as I'm acknowledging the hurt I've caused, I would be remiss to not address my breasts. You see, I've allowed them to become less perky than they once were. Aside from nursing my son for an extended period, I actually continued to age at the same time. I know, it's shameful.

Does someone know a really good therapist? I'd love the contact information, so I can send it to the advertising agency that came up with "Stretch marks are humiliating."